I have been often called a feminist, rarely as a compliment and mostly as an insult. Even the most “liberal” pronounce feminism with a tone bathed in negative connotations. But at the crux of it, feminism is a fairly simple concept that intends to build a fair and equal world. It denies seeing the world through the lens of gender and participating in the terrifying schemes of butchering rights and privileges. Rationally, the ideology does not ask for much yet shockingly enough the naysayers continue to vehemently oppose. The foundation of their “anti-feminism” stance perplexes me and their desperate attempts to curb the accessibility of rights are nerve-wrecking beyond comprehension.

I can however sympathize with the gate-keepers of patriarchy. They are frightened of feminism and the chaos it will breed in their worlds. With unmovable faith they believe, feminism will dismantle their world and tear through the very fabric of their misconstrued society. The fear, however misplaced, is not unjustified. To descend from your self-constructed thrones and pedestals, and sit at the same level as the crowd is indeed a terrifying proposition. It would steal from them their meticulously designed hierarchies and deny them the opportunity to feast on other’s misery. After all, tyranny would never survive in a world that denies its scrumptious diet of rights and privileges. And of that, they are afraid. So, I write with great fear of being gherao-ed and being branded as a feminist.

I was born in the early 1990s and my generation has had the opportunity to witness some extraordinary feats of feminism. We are among the first to reap the benefits of decades of feminist movements and grow up with feminism being ingrained gradually in our everyday lives. Compared to our mothers, we were presented with a multitude of opportunities. Education starting opening new doors for women, as the accessibility of education increased manifold. Ours was a generation that worked extensively on the concept of women working outside domestic duties, and ventured into domains never explored before. We began voicing our opinions and holding positions we were deemed unsuitable for before. And in some ways, our generation began showcasing a slightly fairer world. And all these while, the predatory eyes of patriarchy watched silently waiting for the right moment to pounce.

And they struck. What a masterstroke it was! They decided to define what it means to be perfect woman in the age of feminism. They argued that they too believe that the definition of womanhood has evolved and thus, this convoluted rulebook of theirs for womanhood makes sense. The catch in this clever scheme is however, incredibly easy to miss.

Their idea is simple. If you are a woman and want to be in the league of perfection, or have your womanhood lauded, you need to do it all. The ideal that patriarchy has so shrewdly created for the modern woman is that she is Durga and capable of juggling a hundred million things at once. And if you fail, the perceived sense of perfection will drown you. You need to earn and you need to be proficient in household chores too. It is patriarchy’s way of ensuring that we suffer for demanding equality and that the ruckus feminism creates is compensated by the economic benefits it produces.

So, we have a generation of women who are constantly striving to meet the impossible ideal of perfection and failing miserably. From running offices to bringing up children, we are expected to do it all and expected to do it well. You are an outlier if you decide to take a backseat in either of the two quarters. The radical feminists will jump on you and say that the absence of economic independence is absolutely deplorable, while the society will punish you for being imperfect in the periphery of your home. And so you are trapped in between the yay-sayers and nay-sayers, struggling to stay afloat and find a place for your own million dreams.

This is an easy strategy being implemented by patriarchy. They have created an ideal that is impossible to attain and while women struggle, they benefit both at home and in workspaces. If women can be brainwashed into believing that they are responsible for everything, that all of these tasks are hers to attend to, no one will benefit more than patriarchy. And that is exactly what they are trying to do at the moment. So many women I know are exhausted and tired of running around while trying to tackle everything at once. The sad part however, is that they themselves are unaware of the vicious loop they are stuck in. They gasp for air, while fighting off demon after demons that threaten to uproot their sanity. And all this while, patriarchy relishes watching women perish in the chaos they created in their own lives.

Patriarchy will of course deny all these allegations. They will boast about the independence and freedom they have granted you. And then fool you into believing that this life that is frustrating you is after all chosen by you. That they are mere bystanders and there is only so much they can do to ease your pain. It is a dangerous trap, wherein the prisoner cannot see the bars of their own prison. If you don’t see the cage, then how will you break through? The answer is you do not.

Our generation is free in a lot more ways than our mothers. But our freedom has come at a choice. We have been often asked how much more we want. Is it not enough already? But then the only thing on our side of the bargain is that we always wanted a equal share of the world and yet, we are still far away from it. Instead we have been handed over this ideal of perfection that we can never attain and the ideal will strangle us in our sleep if we try. But even as we attempt to reach this impossibility – patriarchy only benefits from it. Our attempts alone can ensure a good night’s sleep for them. And perhaps, as they enjoy the fruits of our labor, they too are sometimes thankful for us and our rebellious feminism.

Complicating the matters further is the recent emergence of a brand of feminism that brings a rather extremist agenda to the mix. These proponents of feminism again lay down a set of rules for women to abide by, thus challenging the fundamental concepts of feminism. They make it increasingly harder for women to pursue their choices in life. For instance, if someone wishes to be a stay-at-home mother, it does not diminish their role in the society nor does it make them a flag-bearer of “anti-feminism”. In fact, the essence of feminism lies in granting the woman the right to pursue the life she chose, while keeping all paths and opportunities equally accessible for her. It is also very essential to mention, that feminism does not build hierarchies amongst women. If your brand of feminism differentiates and looks down upon women based on their choices, it is troubling to say the least.

Caught between multimillion sets of rules, what do we do? What happens to our choices and most importantly, how do we break this vicious loop of perfection? Stuck in the tussle between ideologies, do we spend all our life’s energy trying to attain the ideals they want us to aspire for? Ideals those are at best in masquerading as feminism, while quietly promoting their own agendas. As an overwhelmed and exhausted woman of this generation, I believe the answer lies in simply in questioning the status quo at every stage. We need to question ourselves about what we want because nothing matters more than that. The society is sitting out there waiting to pounce on us the second they get the chance. But we as well-informed women can decide to prioritize and take a backseat in whichever quarter of our life we deem fit. Societal validation cannot come at the cost of our degraded quality of lives. If it is too much, we speak up and we stop. And above all it is important to remember that this ideal of womanhood, this impossible perfection that is being advertised is false. It is false in its entirety, and no viewing angle can impart it an ounce of truth.

The choice of our lives, including all the facets we wish to pursue are ours alone. Remembering that and reminding ourselves everyday of that is the only way to break free from this spiral. And as women of this complicated generation, that is perhaps the only thing we can do.

At least for now

At least to begin with

Writer : Poet, Scientist, Researcher

Photo : collected